And the Journey Begins

My wife and I have agreed that I can and probably should go through hormone therapy! I find myself both joyous and nervous for the changes that I can look forward to over the coming years.

This is just another example of how incredible my wife is. sure there are still compromises that have to be made but this is a huge step forward.

So as it stand I have an appointment on the 26th day of the 8th month of this year which shall hopefully mark the official birth of Cali Nicole. I can hardly wait!

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of Remarkable and Hard Days

Sorry to all of you that are following my blog, I have been in a fair bit of pain the last few days and have only taken time to eat and sleep (with the exception of some shopping I did with the wife).

I have had some real triumphs the past few days. Wednesday I went to a new transgender support group, which was awesome! I am hoping to actually go again this Wednesday as Cali. On Thursday I had a vasectomy, which has been the source of my pain for the last few days and may actually aid in my transition, as the doctors expect my testosterone to drop by 20%+, and since my testosterone is already low (evidenced by the b-cup i currently and naturally occupy) I should be able to transition through more holistic means.

My wife admittedly had a good time shopping with me yesterday and managed to find me the cutest dress that we where able to get for free with Kohl’s cash, and I am hoping to where that with my new jeans and wedge sandals this Wednesday.

All in all it has been a very good week with exception to the pain.

P.S. Women’s panties provide the most support, fit and comfort post vasectomy… Pass it on!

Him and Her

Today I went out in makeup (not as Cali), and though I was limited in the amount and types of makeup I could use, the results where amazing!

I could not believe the number of people who commented on how good I looked today, I even had a few girls tell me that my skin looked much healthier. After getting over the nerves walking out the door and those compliments I felt so confident and “in charge”.Why haven’t I done this before? Why don’t more men?

I will leave you with this (not because I want to, but because it’s yoga time), I am so much happier when I can let at least a little fem out and feel pretty.

P.S. Thank you to all of you that have followed my blog, this is the first time in my life I feel listened to!

The Day After

So here I am on a beautiful, cool, bright Monday and I feel sad. As wonderful as yesterday was, and it was wonderful, I struggle with the fact that it may never go further than “dress up” when everyone leaves for the day. I find myself questioning if I will be able to continue as this manly shell, or if I must now become the woman I feel I was meant to be.

The problem is this, if I decide to transition it means the end of my relationship and my wife would think that I see my needs as being more important than my family. If I choose not to transition I save my family but I am not happy being a man, I never have been. 

This feels like it needs to be an all or nothing proposition and I don’t want to choose. I hate to admit it, but I don’t want this to be the moment that determines the fate of my relationship with my love, and I don’t want to be the one responsible.

I can’t imagine how all this feels to my wife, but I find myself angry at her for painting this issue so black and white. I understand that she married a “Man”.

I’m so confused, where do I go from here? 

-Cali

She says

Don’t hurt she says
You’ll never be what you want
What’s wrong she says
As you turn out the lights
What’s on your mind she says
As you lose it for the very last time

Burning bridges, crashing dreams
All the love, it isn’t as it seems.
Load the gun, take a bite
You’ll finally win, but it’s your last fight

Where did you go she says
She’s lost and so alone
I wish I could hold you she says
But you stuck in my head
Should I sleep tonight
But then we’d both be dead

Introducing Cali Nicole

So today I sent mike away with the wife and kids, did some yoga and got dolled up! I am surprised at how good this all feels, even putting on makeup (though time consuming) felt really natural.

I feel kind of whole today, like I found something that I never knew I had lost. I feel oddly at peace, almost as though this is the way I was meant to be! (minus a few pounds). I am so glad my wife let me stay home and do this, I am so grateful for her understanding and love.

I hope over the coming days, weeks, an months I can talk to you more as Cali Nicole; maybe even share a few pictures after I get this weight off.

P.S. anyone have any good makeup tips? 

The Most Important Question You Will Ever Answer…

JamesRadcliffe.com

Human beings are creatures of synthesis, whose primary aim in life is: to create higher patterns of energy and information.  Our relentlessly unceasing innovation is hardwired into our very being and fully indiscriminate.  The most important choice we can possibly make in our lives is: the choice of where to direct our focus.

At first glance, these assertions may seem: crazy, incendiary, or completely outlandish.

How can I possibly justify them?  Why is it absolutely vital to know and understand this?  And what is the most important question in the entire world?

Ready?…

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